Freeing Calder: Seas of Seduction 2 Page 2

  It’s the shame I feel that’s holding me back. The embarrassment of how easy I was persuaded into that man’s bed. When will all of this end?

  Normality is something that’s starting to return, my nightmares and dreams are becoming less frequent and my inability to be intimate has faded with my growing appetite for sex. Niall is eager to assist every time I pull him into my body with a burning need in my core.

  He takes me softly and gently as always, as though terrified I’ll break or worried he’ll trigger some bad memory that I don’t have.

  He’s too good to me.

  The more time that passes the more memories my brain shuts out. The less of it all I remember. I don’t remember my first night in that cell on the ship, or the first night I was taken to Captain’s room. I’ve forced it out of my brain and I rarely go back to it.

  This isn’t a story where once I fall in love I suddenly forget the bad. Even though I don’t have the memories, I still have the feelings and the hatred I feel for Captain grows daily.

  Though the feelings I have for this person inside of me grow daily too. I’m not upset about the pregnancy anymore, just scared of what today’s scan will bring.

  So is Niall, he took the day off work to join me, which I told him not to do. I need to get used to being on my own again but I suppose this is just as important to him as it is to me. Truthfully, I’m relieved. I’m terrified.

  We sit in silence, me on the bed by the screen, him in the chair beside me. He holds my wrist and his thumb trails patterns on the side as I’m instructed to lift my top and unbutton my jeans. I do it one handed, terrified of letting Niall go for even a moment. I can’t do this alone and if I let him go, he might leave, he might forget that he loves me.

  We wait and I stare at him when the image finally lights up the screen. He gives me a reassuring smile and brings my hand to his lips. It’s the moment of truth.

  She taps away on the machine, clicking a grey mouse and hitting keys with her fingers.

  “There you are, little one.” She turns the screen our way and shows us the splat of flickering white. It’s a blurry little bean with a black, hollow centre. I love it already. Niall’s hand tightens on mine. “Is this your first?”

  I nod and so does Niall. But I don’t let the happy moment rest and stay happy. I need to know, so I hesitantly ask, “How far along am I?”

  “I’d say eleven weeks, not a day over or under,” she replies gleefully and my face falls.

  Niall stands and loops his hands around his neck. He turns away from me to hide his upset but I know it’s there. I can feel its presence in the air more so than I can feel my own. Tears stream down my face, heavy droplets insistent on soaking my neck.

  “I’m sorry, that isn’t what you wanted to hear,” she continues, her tone hushed.

  “It’s fine,” I reply, wiping away the jelly.

  Niall turns back around, his eyes on the kind lady with soft eyes. “Is it healthy?”

  “Yes, I see no problems at all,” she replies and he nods once more, breathing heavier than usual.

  “Then that’s what matters,” I whisper, feeling the weight of my heart as it sinks to the bottom of my stomach.

  We come together after I stand and in the dark room we hold each other, something we haven’t done for a few days as the stress of the results we now have ate at us.

  “Nothing else matters,” he continues, but then he leans back and cups my cheeks with his hands. “We’re in this together okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “But you have to press charges.”

  My heart drops and fortunately he doesn’t wait for an answer, he guides me from the room, to the window wall where they hand out pictures for purchase, buys two and then we leave. We don’t mention it again until we’re in the car, staring ahead at the bustle of the hospital carpark. The scan pictures sit closed on the console between us, protected by cardboard frames with a picture of a stork on the front.

  I want to ask him if he’s okay, or suggest I get my own place because I know that’s probably what he wants.

  I also daren’t speak yet, he needs this moment more than me. I’m silently preparing myself for everything possible.

  “If anybody asks, it’s mine.”

  I didn’t expect that.

  My breath catches in my throat. I hadn’t even considered what I’d say to people, whose I’d say it was. Honestly, I thought he’d just be biding his time on when to leave me. Who wants to get saddled with somebody else’s child? I’m not sure how I’d feel were our situations reversed. Could I take on another woman’s child?

  “Are you sure?”

  “Of course I’m sure. You’re my woman and that’s my kid,” he barks, looking at me as though I’m the bad guy. “It’s mine… okay, Rain? Not his. It’ll never be his.”

  I stay silent, it feels best at the moment.

  “I knew this would happen,” he mutters. “The entire time you were gone and I saw your pill packet next to the toaster… I couldn’t stop thinking about it.” Anger flashes in his eyes. “Whoever did this, whoever touched you needs to go down.”

  “He’s already down for so many things, this won’t change anything.”

  “It’ll get us a restraining order just in case,” he snaps, teetering on the edge. “It means he’ll have no right to question the paternity of this child. Our child.”

  “If we do that, he’ll figure out I’m pregnant. We should just stay away from him. Hide the pregnancy from him and anyone who might get it back to him.”

  He twists in his seat. “I can protect you both, you believe that much of me?”

  “I know you can. I trust you.”

  “Just… answer me this.”

  I wait for him to continue while my eyes scan the rows of parked cars purely so they don’t have to scan his face.

  “How many?”

  I shift in my seat. “How many what?”

  “How many men had you.”

  All blood drains from my body and my skin prickles with chilling pimples.

  “You demanded tests when we returned and you’re pregnant… I need to know.”

  Gulping, I bite my lip and then sigh gently. “Just one. Just him.”

  “The captain?”

  “Can we go now?”

  “He took a liking to you.”

  “Niall,” I whisper. “I can’t take anymore today.” My hand subconsciously goes to my belly where life blossoms inside, vulnerable life that didn’t ask for creation. Vulnerable life that didn’t ask for these stresses to hinder its growth.

  We go home and he goes to work though not before setting the alarms, telling the neighbours to keep an eye out, and arming me with a Taser I keep with me because I don’t feel safe without it. He’s been saying for weeks that we’ll move but nothing we’ve seen is good enough. I suppose we’ll have to now; this place isn’t big enough for three and the further away from the captain I get the better.

  He can’t get to me again but it’s not him I’m worried about. It’s his crew. He has so many men at his disposal and who knows how many more he’s recruiting in prison.

  What if he decides he no longer likes me or cares for me and wants to have me silenced? I learned so much about his ship, the layout, the men. This could be bad for me.

  What if he decides he doesn’t want to let me go and kidnaps me again?

  I’m terrified of either possibility.

  Now I’m alone in my house with nothing but a Taser to keep me company I feel even worse. I pick up my phone and consider calling Niall to come home but I brush it away. If I’m going to raise a child I need to be stronger.

  Maybe I won’t have to raise it, maybe I can put it up for adoption?

  My hand goes to my flat stomach again. It’s a possibility, it’s an option. Maybe the best option for everybody involved.

  Will I resent it? Will it grow, raised by a mother that will always harbour some fear or hatred of it based on who it will likely grow to look
like, behave like, speak like.

  If I’m this conflicted about it now, how will I be in a year when it’s here, sitting in a bouncer, staring at me?

  I put my phone in my pocket and rub my eyes with both hands, smearing mascara around my eyes and onto the heels of my palms.

  It’s going to be okay. It will all be okay.

  Niall paces, tired after a long drive and a long chat with his higher-ups. According to him a teenage boy has gone missing so things are tense right now. This also means Niall will hardly be home until he’s found. I understand his need to work so I don’t hinder it. I do however try to make plans with friends so I’m not alone, unfortunately nobody is available tonight.

  My closest friend from before Niall is Sadie and she came two nights ago. I can’t keep asking her to babysit me, it’s unfair. We had fun though. She doesn’t know about the pregnancy and I’m going to keep it that way for as long as I can.

  Nobody knows about any of it, nobody but my boss who is also a friend and has been sworn to secrecy because I demanded it. She only knows I was kidnapped, but beyond that she knows nothing.

  Nobody really knows anything but everybody who knows me has mentioned a change in me.

  “I had sex with him willingly,” I admit to my therapist and he nods, no judgement in his eyes which remain on the chess board between us. “I had sex with him numerous times.”

  He shifts in his seat and I wonder why. His movements were almost a squirm. Am I making him uncomfortable? “The man who kidnapped you?”

  I nod again. “But I hate him.”

  “Now or then?” His grey eyes remain impassive and kind.

  “Both?”

  He nods again and takes one of my white pieces from the board. “You blame yourself?”

  “Of course, wouldn’t you?”

  He doesn’t answer, He never answers me when I return his questions.

  “I’m a horrible person, a horrible girlfriend.”

  “Do you think Niall wouldn’t understand?”

  “I don’t think so, not this.”

  Sitting back, he smiles softly. “This what? Which part?”

  “All of it,” I admit.

  “Which part?” he pushes. “The having it willingly? Having it more than once?”

  “I enjoyed it.”

  Shifting, his face holds that professional mask, but his question changes, chilling me to the bone. “Did he force you?”

  My hands twist in my lap and a sob tears through my throat, burning a path, blocking my ability to breathe.

  “Okay, we don’t have to talk about that.”

  I wipe my eyes and look away. My shame as evident as my sorrow.

  “It’s okay, just breathe.”

  I spent the morning with Sadie, I braved town for the first time while battling nausea and then braved a busy coffee shop. It’s easier than the last time I went out and I’m sure it’ll continue to become so.

  We bought new things we didn’t need to buy and shared funny stories though hers were much funnier than mine, and then I found an excuse to call it quits when she asked me about my time aboard the Sea Whore ship.

  If I offended her she didn’t show it, she simply saw me home and stayed a while longer. Minus the probing questions.

  We drank tea and then she left and I had a bath, called Niall, and climbed into bed at only 8 p.m.

  With the TV on opposite I stare at it mindlessly until I start to doze, in which case I roll over and switch off the light, plunging the room into darkness and a soft glow of flickering colours from the large flat screen.

  “I’ve missed you.” Fingers walk along my braid as the bed dips.

  I smile and turn towards him. His eyes reflect the TV, dark greens so full of tenderness and love.

  “You look rough,” I whisper, closing my eyes and sighing sadly, terrified I’ll wake up and lose him again. “What happened?”

  “I didn’t have time to shave.” He rests beside me, pulling the blanket free so he can press his body to mine. It feels so real, so warm and inviting. My fingers grip the fabric of his shirt and hold on tight. The material is rough and cold, perhaps slightly damp. He smells the same, spicy, manly. “Come with me.”

  “Where?”

  “On an adventure.”

  “To Skull Island?”

  “We’ll find treasure, sail the seven seas.”

  I giggle softly at the sound of his pirate voice. I used to love it when he did that. It wasn’t often but it made me smile. He did it usually when I looked sad, I think. It was when I would stare out across the vast, flat ocean, wondering what the next day would bring.

  “Please, Rain…” His voice suddenly sounds closer as his body moves to lean over me. “Come with me.”

  I peek up, my eyes less heavy and more alert. This is real. This isn’t a dream.

  I stop breathing and squeak, “Calder?”

  “Rain,” he replies and I lurch back so suddenly I roll straight out of bed.

  He follows, but more gracefully and then stands, but I move quickly to keep the bed between us. Big mistake. “Come with me, Rain.”

  “No,” I reply, looking around for something, anything I can use to stop him from dragging me back to that ship.

  “Rain, please.” His green eyes are as pleading as his tone and the desperate empty hand that reaches out for mine. “I don’t have much time.”

  “Stay away from me,” I demand, pressing my back into the corner. I’m trapped, the door is behind him, I have nowhere to run.

  “Rain,” he begs, taking a step around the bed. “I won’t hurt you, you know that.”

  “Step the fuck back, Captain.” I raise a trembling hand. “I’m not going back to that ship.”

  His eyes darken. “It wouldn’t be like before. You’re not my captive. I’m giving you a choice.”

  Stopping, he tucks his hand into the pocket of his faded jeans and pulls out a slip of paper.

  I eye him warily, keeping my fingers splayed on the wall either side of my body.

  “A number to reach me on, if you change your mind.”

  “I won’t.” I murmur and a muscle ticks in his jaw. “How are you even here? How’d you escape?”

  “Connections,” he replies, placing the slip on the foot of the bad.

  I stare at it, wishing it would blow away with him. Wishing I could deny the ache in my chest that appeared the second he entered my dream and didn’t leave.

  “Come with me,” he whispers again.

  Shaking my head, I eye his tan and his curly dark hair that has fallen around his face. He’s lost weight which means he hasn’t been well looked after and his eyes are dull in comparison to how they used to be.

  “Rain, please.”

  “Go back to your island lover, Captain,” I reply sharply. “There’s nothing for you here anymore.”

  “I fucking hate myself for hurting you like that. Don’t let it destroy what we had.”

  “What we had was drug induced.”

  He blanches and finally falls silent.

  “I overheard you telling Geoffrey to up my dose.”

  “It was only to keep you calm and manage your seasickness.”

  I press my lips together to stop them from trembling. “Was it?”

  He looks away, ashamed and I know now with one hundred percent certainty there was more to his reasonings behind those drugs than he’s letting on. My heart thuds to the bottom of the ocean with my love for him.

  At least he’s not denying it. I suppose he could quite easily insist it was for moral reasons and I’d be quick to believe him to desperately rid myself of this hurt.

  I want to scream at him, to hit him, to rip his hair from his head while I sob out my anger and pain, but I don’t want to give him any indication that he ever meant anything to me.

  So instead I continue simply, “I’m happy here with Niall.”

  His lips thin to a white line. “I don’t pretend,” he begins through gritted teeth, “to think I deserve
a second chance, Rain, but we have something, you know it. Don’t let that go. Don’t let us go for a fucking cop that can’t satisfy any of your needs.”

  “Don’t pretend,” I copy, my teeth now clenched too. “To know anything about Niall and our relationship. Just go.”

  “Rain…”

  “I SAID GO!” I yell so harshly my throat aches. “GET OUT!”

  He stomps towards me and slaps his hand over my mouth as his other hand tangles in my hair. “Stop shouting.”

  I lick his palm and try to bite him as my hands find ways to get him off me. He pins my body between his and the wall, putting his thigh between my legs so I can’t kick out.

  “Calm down,” he whispers, holding me tight but not so tight that it hurts.

  Tears trickle from the corner of my eyes. He can’t take me to sea. Not now I’m pregnant. What kind of life would that be for a baby? Not to mention the fact I can’t trust him.

  “Please,” I beg but it’s muffled. “Just go away.”

  “Kiss me and I will,” he replies, smirking as his hand slides from my mouth and to my throat. His thumb presses against my flickering pulse as his gaze rolls over my face to my lips. I shiver. His touch sends chills down my spine to places that shouldn’t be stimulated by him. “Come with me, Rain.”

  “I won’t tell him you were here,” I say softly, ignoring his swelling length pressing against my groin through the fabric of his jeans and my pyjama bottoms. “You need to leave. He could be home any minute.”

  “He won’t be,” he replies quietly, grinding against me, forcing me to keep stoic and stiff. My teeth clamp down on my tongue in an attempt to stop the pleasurable groan I need to release. Why do I still respond to him this way?

  But then his words register and my heart slowly freezes with my limbs. “What do you mean? What did you do to him?”

  Halting, he tips back so he can look at me in the eyes. “I didn’t touch your fucking cop boyfriend, Rain. I just know he’s busy.”

  I search his face for any sign of a lie. When I find none, I relax and press my palms against his chest. “This is not worth the risk. Go back to your ship.”